HOUSING STAFF UNDERGO "GASLIGHTING TRAINING" TO MAXIMIZE ROOM DAMAGE PROFITS

In a less than shocking turn of events, UChicago’s lauded administrative board has unanimously decided to suck even more money out of its student body, this time by increasing the amount of money they get from charging $100 for every scratch on an otherwise pristine dorm wall. Historically, the damage charges have been so obscene that many students have protested, asking for– horror of horrors– proof of damage done and a detailed list of what each charge is for. This has caused a regrettable amount of decreased bills, the number growing each year as more and more students gain the confidence to challenge the University’s money mousetraps.

Fortunately, everything will soon be right again, as the University is launching a brand-new “Gaslighting Training Module” to be completed on EverFi by all Housing and Residence Life employees. The purpose of this module is to teach housing staff how to psychologically manipulate students who question the exorbitant end-of-year fees so they believe these fees are reasonable and deserved. The end goal is to emotionally damage any student who dares dispute a single penny and leave them broken, helpless, and submissive to any further charges.

While many students don’t take EverFi seriously, housing staff have had to bring their A game to these modules due to a new feature that was added: for every second your eyes divert from the screen, a dollar is taken out of your monthly paycheck. While this might seem cruel, admin has assured The Mauve that the ends justify the means: “Everything is done with the University’s best interest in mind. These greedy students will pay the price for their traitorous actions against this fine institution, which has only ever acted as a kind, nurturing figure towards them.”

Funding for these new modules will be provided by a 5% tuition increase starting next year.